get back

It was almost 7:00 p.m. last Sunday when I was driving down Great Neck towards Shore Drive. I was singing along with Elvis, and I knew that I would miss this place. Really. I watched the sunlight fill the tops of the trees as I drove down Shore Drive, through First Landing State Park. It's beautiful here, and I've got to admit there are mixed feelings. (Sidenote: We're going to see Mr. Costello tonight. Tonight! It's been years. It's a small venue. *sigh*)

I thought about regrets I had for the way I treated an old friend. She'd moved to Texas from Ohio, and she'd speak of missing where she came from, and her family. I wasn't very sympathetic, but I now know how she must have felt.

Listening to your gut (as opposed to your heart or your head) has always seemed to be the best thing to do when making important decisions. I feel like I'm in the middle of a pretty intense debate between all three right now. I want everyone to be happy, and my gut instinct is screaming "this is the best thing you can do". There isn't such a thing as a total perfection, but there's a lot of good in this.

I'm happy, and excited, and my time is going to be cram-packed. Life's struggles, mistakes, and bumps make us who we are, and prepare us for all the things that are still meant to happen along the way. I used to hate change. I feared things out of my control. Now I welcome it with open arms. Faith? Yes, of course. It's all good.

It's time to dust off those red shoes.

more stuff inside my head

After I made an offhand comment that I was going to sweat like a pig at the gym I knew I was going to have to Google "do pigs sweat?". I was 99% sure that they did not. I did, in fact, clarify this later. (Sidenote: For the record, I love to work up a good sweat. It detoxifies your body, helps your immune system, and does wonders for your skin.)

While I was on the bike, I started to wonder which animals perspire, and I stumbled on this, and felt like maybe - just maybe, I don't think too much.

In other news, the weather has been beautiful, and I've planted a lot of flowers. I love digging in the dirt, and feeling the sun on my face. I also laughed really hard during the season finale of one of my favorite shows. I love to sweat*, laugh, and get dirty! Life is sweet.

p.s. One of the ways I start my day. (And, yes, I am a cheery, morning person.)


*For the record, I still smell good.

inside my head

For the past several months I've developed a real head for figures (and a bod for sin....)

For me this is really more of a fluke, because all things mathematical have never really tickled my fancy. I loathe it, honestly, but lately I keep tabs of all sorts of numbers. Example: I log how many miles I ride on the bike at the gym in my personal calendar. I've ridden 296.34 miles to date. I can tell you that I've saved exactly $599.76 at Kroger this year by clipping coupons and buying items on sale. (Sidenote: I'm a bargain shopper. This is a habit instilled by my Father at a young age. It'll be a habit I'll never break, no matter how much money's in the bank account.) I calculate things in my head constantly. Minutes, days, miles, calories, etc. I've always been good at things like remembering dates, but lately I can recall things down to the minute. Without looking I can tell you how many ounces of shampoo are in my shampoo bottle (13 oz.) I've got put exactly 1/3 cup of blueberries in my steel cut oats every morning. It's disconcerting in a "this-sounds-a-little-too-much-like-a-John-Travolta-movie-plot-and-I'm-going-to-find-out-I've-got-a-brain-tumor!" type thing.

Maybe I just need to loosen up. Who knows?

p.s. Congrats to Rene Borque, AHL Rookie of the Year, who had 33 goals and 27 assists this year.

So, everything went v. well, and I got a lot of positive feedback throughout the night. I don't know what the final tally was, but will find out later today. Yes, I got way too drunk. I've become a lightweight because I really don't drink that much. Sunday was a complete waste, and I'm sorry I allowed myself to get so out of hand. Water under the bridge, eh?

On to the next project, along with all those fun spring things I've been putting off, like planting flowers. I'm more than a little tired of the computer, and will take a break for a while. My parents are both having surgery tomorrow. In about a year I'll be home, and will be able to take care of things for them when needed.

It's a beautiful day, and I've got a feeling things will just keep getting better. Possible good sign? Mr. Big is slowly coming around. He'll sit and look at me, while I chat with him. He's not diving under the bed. My charms are legendary.

p.s. I hate being lied to.

they call me lady luck

It's been a good day. It's one of those days where one little thing makes you smile, like having a good workout, and then it snowballs into smiles from strangers, then - not that I'm bragging (but I am), not one, but two wolf-whistles from gentlemen. I knew it was something I was feeling on the inside that lit me up all the way from one end of the parking lot to the other. I don't really care about that sort of attention - it was merely evidence that I was happy.

In other news ~

What's In My Bag?

Things are in "crisis mode" now for the big gala Saturday night. I'm going to help with a little sponsorship whoopsie that needs to be smoothed over. Evidently tanning salons are a little like Phillip Morris. (Why didn't this get caught until three days prior to the event? Yeah, whatever...) We've still got liquor companies donating free wine for the dinner, and an open bar for the event. It seems a little hypocritical to me, but - yeah - whatever...

Have a great weekend everyone.

p.s. Congratulations to my friend Devin, and his upcoming Major League Baseball singing gig. Does it have to be just the National Anthem, or could you segue into a little Sinatra?

The Hertz rental car I had last week had Sirius Satellite Radio in it, and I've gotta tell you that I enjoyed it a lot. I'd recently skimmed over the Wired "The End of Radio" issue, and kinda knew that if I ever tested out either Sirius or XM Radio I'd end up falling for it. (My parents have had XM for a year now, and love it.)

The only glitch I can see is that you lose the signal from time-to-time. That said, as much as I love music, etc. it's tempting to pay a little extra to avoid the advertising on regular radio. (Sidenote: I know the advertising puts bread on the table for some folks, but satellite radio seems like it could be a future threat. I'm just saying...) Of course it's more than just adverts, it's the fact that I kept pinching myself over-and-over while listening to Channel 75, and Channel 19.

I know this may be old news to a lot of you, but I think it might be worth the $13 a month fee.

Tonight, "Sideways", then I've got to get caught up on my beauty sleep. I'm back in the saddle at the gym (8.5 miles on the bike, and the full circuit this a.m.. I love endorphins.) Saturday, the Big Shindig. I am so tearing up that dance floor.

Dialogue like this is just one of the reasons I'll be buying this movie tomorrow:

Maya: Why are you so in to Pinot?
Maya: I mean, it's like a thing with you.
Miles Raymond: Uh, I don't know, I don't know. Um, it's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and... ancient on the planet.

This grape grows best when tucked away in hot climates...

dear internet void...

I've had a very difficult time leaving a depressing situation back home.

It's not something out of the blue, or that I didn't know about before, but things are just so much worse. Things seem more urgent.

I try not to get too personal on this blog, but I have mentioned the strained relationship with my Mother before. Long story short, she took me in her bedroom to inform me that she would not pursue a relationship with me any longer. "I realize how much you hate me. You've let me know what a terrible job I've done as a Mother, and that the only thing I've been good for is my money." (Sidenote: I have informed her over-and-over again that I don't want her to buy me things.) For the record, a couple of years ago I did sit down with her and attempt to explain the reasons I find it difficult to talk to her. I've told her I think she needs help, and that she should speak with a counselor, and get her life back into the light. I've told her these things because I do love her, but she wants to continue to live in that dark, dank tomb of a home.

It's sad because she lives her life in darkness, and will end up wasting what precious time she has left not enjoying life.

Here's why I'm so depressed.

There's a man who is the most decent, kind, and unselfish person I know. I find myself wishing they could just separate, that he could find himself a companion that will laugh at his ribbing, and appreciate the fact that he's a good man. Instead he feels obligated to stick with her, for reasons that I haven't had the guts to inquire about.

He is lonely because she has not only been rude to his family, but his friends. He hasn't eaten right in years. The freezer is stocked with Stouffer's, and Blue Bell, and crap. The panty isn't any better. From what I can tell he eats Raisin Bran, chunky soup, tuna, frozen dinners, and lunch meat. I want to take care of him. I want to be closer so that he can see how happy people can be. I want to be able to take him to the doctor (he can't drive until he has cataract surgery on the 12th), and I want him to have a bright spot to come to. I told him not to feel guilty about getting out on his own, and having fun. The sad thing is he doesn't want to be alone. He wants someone to go down to the country with him, and cook the things he grows in a garden.

I know it's bad, and it's more urgent, because he lets me know in overt ways. He reminds me that I am in charge of "things" after he dies. "You know where the safe deposit box is, right?" He took me to his bank in downtown Dallas several years ago. I signed the papers that will grant me access after either one of them dies. The will, deeds to their property in Dallas, Hico, and Hamilton, his coin collection, and (evidently) a letter from my Mother that she has written me that she wants me to read after she passes. She'll be making miserable from the grave.

There's a certain element of out-of-sight, out-of-mind when you're separated by over 1,300 miles. Please don't misunderstand me - I'm not saying that it's any less important, or depressing, but the sad fact is once you can't just hop in a car and scoot over to visit face-to-face the situation loses a little magnitude. I feel a lot of guilt, and I feel helpless, and I know that if my Dad knew this he would be heartbroken. All he's ever wanted is to make others happy, and I understand this. Trust me.

A little over 24 hours ago I kissed his cheek, and drove off into the chilly predawn. He'd cleaned the pollen and tree sap off of the rental car for me. Even though he was smiling I could see how sad he looked.

Internet void, it's too early to be crying. I am tired, and I don't want to cry. I'm sorry this is such a depressing post. I just need to vent.

I can't sleep. Flying back to Virginia soon. I wish I could go back and recapture that high I was on. I don't know what happiness means right now. It evidently doesn't have anything to do with me. I guess I'm lucky that I do genuinely enjoy making other people happy. I just can't come to terms with where I factor into things.

I just want to be back in my own bed. I want to rest for one day. A part of me is struggling with the question "what's wrong with me?" A part of me says there's nothing wrong. Life is too precious for this crap.

I don't want to end this post on a negative note. Always look on the bright side, 'eh? Please convince me there is a bright side. Make me smile.