Guess what!? We're snowed in! It couldn't get any better. Know why?

I've got a new laptop with high-speed wireless connectivity! I can blog from bed while drinking a glass of wine! I can listen to my radio-station-thingy while drinking and blogging - from bed!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.

My Dad and Sarah Beth, Christmas Eve, 1987

My God-Niece is all grown up.

I'll be glad when Christmas vacation is here. I'll be glad when 2005 is here. I'm really hopeful that everything will work out. There's a guardian angel watching over the one's I love. I can feel it.

I'm going to keep singing along to one of my favorite Christmas songs. Singing, baking, and cooking. Have I ever mentioned how much I love this time of the year? :-)

Merry Christmas, Everyone

done for now

I wish I could say something more positive and upbeat.

I'll start with the most positive thing I've got. At lunch two days ago I was reminded of why I do the work I do. I was thanked by survivors, and by people just like myself who have lost loved ones to cancer. The chef sent over a piece of cake with a handwritten message - "You Take The Cake!" Near-strangers taking the time to say "thank you". Amazing, considering the people I love the most make me feel invisible and worthless. O.K. - to be fair - there's still one tiny bright spot that gives me hope and unconditional love, but for the most part my heart has been ripped apart repeatedly.

I just don't get it. I really don't. I've been supportive, giving, nurturing, loving, and a source of steadfast strength. I've said I'll never give up on these people, and I still mean it, but I'm at a point where it's just not worth trying to figure out something that there's not any answers to.

I've lost my Christmas spirit. I feel like George Bailey on the edge of the bridge. I am not in a good frame of mind, and I don't want to sound overly dramatic here, but I'm nothing more than numb.

I don't want pity. I just want to stop feeling like I'm trash because I'm Not Trash.

No need to comment here. I'm just venting to the great internet void. I'm done (here) for the moment. I hate to end on such a sour note, so I'll just say this. I truly mean this - from the bottom of my heart - I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and appreciates the small things. Embrace your good fortunes, like kind words, and smiles, and opportunities to do something good. Even in the midst of micro-managing crisis after emotional crisis there are still strangers behind the scenes sending you a piece of cake. There's still spiritual sanctuary.

I hope I can return with good news, and maybe a few pictures from the p.j. party.

P.S. I just listened to my All-Time Favorite Christmas Story. Please - if you're like me - searching for hope - listen to this. I am (again) sitting here, in tears.

This conversation from last night, taken out of context, makes me feel dirty:

Me: "Do I know anyone coming tomorrow?"
He: "No, but I'm sure you'll know them once they come."

Life is wiping me out. I've had to be dead serious for the past week - serious discussions, serious moods, etc. I've fielded some wicked-evil comments. The knife-to-the-heart kind. The just-stick-needles-in-my-eyeballs-while-you're-at-it kind. It's done a number on my Christmas spirit.

There have been a few bright spots. I know I'm the toughest sentimental fool you'd ever run into in a dimly-lit tavern. I'm not as scared today as I was yesterday, or even earlier in the day. I'm still a really nice person, but if you back me in a corner, and you lie to me, or if you threaten the very stupid jerkfaces that I love more than my life, then I will show you a side of me that few people have ever had the misfortune to see. (Those that know me in "real life" know I'm the world's biggest ball of fluff. I'm soft, and it's rare for the claws to come out, but when they do... Oh boy. I've been told my ears get red. Are you scared??)

Another bright spot is watching Arrested Development. This show makes me laugh - hard. You must watch this show. It comes on right after the Simpsons, so Sunday is still a great t.v. night. I admit I watch "Desperate Housewives" as well, but Arrested Development is my favorite. I can't listen to The Final Countdown without giggling.

p.s. Friday night is the big girlie pajama party. Plenty of Martini's and Mimosas, mister. Ditto on the lounge music.

holiday tidbits

1. One of my "boyfriends", Mr. Tom Cavanagh (a.k.a. ex-"Ed"), will be in a cheesy holiday movie on ABC Sunday night.

My other "boyfriend" is gutsy.

2. My next-door-neighbor made me grin when he put this up. How cool is that?

3. I've been listening to this a lot.

music

Is everyone else out there as busy as I am? Are you wigging out over all the things that must be done before the end of the year, or is it just me?

Ah, well.

I'm tickled for my Elvis, you Rock Star, you.

I could name near-perfect entire albums done by Mr. Costello, but NPR's All Songs Considered are just mulling over perfect songs. You can check out some of the listeners' picks here, and follow the links to the staff and artists' picks from there.

What song(s) would you add to the list of perfect songs?

i'm a bad banana, or why did i suddenly revert back to my adolescence?

For some reason the Christmas Spirit that normally overtakes me this time of year has deserted me today. I swear, I could practically see it leaping out of my body. Poof! Gone.

It might have something to do with that trip to the mall at lunch. Big mistake. I wanted to get something new to wear to a Christmas party this Saturday night. I found a nice skirt - long, black flannel with a velvet bow. I thought it would look nice with the black knee boots. I was going to give "Patti and Selma" center stage this year (what with all the chest-pressing I've been doing at the gym and all...) I found this cute little pink-shrug-sweater thing, and I said to myself "now all you've got to do is find a tight black sheer v-neck t-shirt to wear under it!"

Well, yeah - I searched for half-an-hour and started to get abnormally frustrated, considering the scope of this particular life situation.

"I just want to make my boobs look fabulous without looking slutty, damn it! Why can't I seem to find the time to give the girls their due! Damn you, Christmas - you're sucking all the fun out of my life!!"

This is when I realized I was even more crunched for time than normal, and all the things I've got to get done started piling up in my head. I didn't have enough time to get to the post office, so I got back in my car, and listened to the Scorpions (loudly), cursed drivers, and wondered how much longer it would be before I could have a cocktail. All things the baby Jesus surely wouldn't approve of.

So - here I am - still wondering where I can get my hands on the elusive perfect shirt. I know what I need. I need to find my way to the nearest Salvation Army kettle. Putting a few bucks in those buckets never fails to get me right again, and the bell always makes me smile.