cheering myself up, in bits and pieces

Love is a strong word, usually reserved for emotions associated with people instead of things. When I get frustrated with my amazing ability to muck things up, or my even more amazing ability to think things to death, I'll try to focus on the things that make me happy. Some things are easy to come by, and some things are fleeting little gifts that you've got to burn into your memory for future playback. For me, it's these sorts of things:

1. Reading a Tom Robbins novel, and underlining words or passages that make me smile, like "stealing your hearts lunch money", or "He puts his hands on his hips and gives you that leer that could peel the velvet wallpaper off the walls of virtue."
2. Listening to Jon Brion soundtracks, and remembering the spots in the movies where certain songs are played.
3. Eating the corner piece of a batch of freshly baked brownies.
4. Remembering to fill the coffee pot and setting the auto brew dial before I go to bed.
5. Knowing that the people I love and care for are safe and sound, and hopefully happy.
6. Watching re-runs of The Simpsons.
7. Hearing my silly Austin Powers ringtone on my cell phone.
8. Crossing off things on my to-do list, especially the ones like "contact lawyer iro ticket" and "clean toilets".
9. Surpassing a goal at the gym. (Sidenote: If I have an elderly man on the recumbent bike next to me I can't help but glance over to see what level he has his programmed to. I also can't help making sure I surpass his rpm's, distance, and calories burned. I am insanely competitive, even with those I may perceive to be out of my league.)
10. Revisiting a favorite old poem, and getting tingly. (Porn may be hot, but mind-porn can be hotter.)
11. Having goose-bumps scatter over my arms during an early-morning walk, and looking at the changing colors of the leaves of the dogwood trees.
12. Being comfortable with the fact that I am human, and letting go of regrets.
13. Clean sheets.
14. Waking up to a snowy day.
15. Cooking for my Dad. I honestly don't think anyone appreciates it more.
16. The perfect hot bath. It has to be hot enough that you must lower each body part slowly into the water. I've got to have several candles burning, a chilled glass of Chardonnay that steams up when my warm, soapy hand picks it up, and a Sinatra c.d. playing.
17. Being thankful for it all.

There are so many more things, but this is a decent start. Simply listing these things gets my mind on a higher level, even though the things themselves may not be Earth-shatteringly profound.

On that note, here's a swell quote from Tom Robbins:

"If you need to visualize the soul, think of it as a cross between a wolf howl, a photon, and a dribble of dark molasses. But what it really is, as near as I can tell, is a packet of information. It's a program, a piece of hyperspatial software designed explicitly to interface with the Mystery. Not a mystery, mind you, the Mystery. The one that can never be solved. Data in our psychic program is often nonlinear, nonhierarchical, archaic, alive, and teeming with paradox. Simply booting up is a challenge, if not for no other reason than that most of us find acknowledging the unknowable and monitoring its intrusions upon the familiar and mundane more than a little embarrassing. More immediately, by waxing soulful you will have granted yourself the possibility of ecstatic participation in what the ancients considered a divinely animated universe. And on a day to day basis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that."

if you don't have anything nice to say, etc.

You wouldn't have much to read here if I had to be all cheerful and positive. I try to find the good in every day, it just seems to be a little more challenging here lately.

I've started a new fitness training program. That's good, right? Well, at least if you can keep from injuring yourself. (Sidenote: I've been suffering though a pinched nerve in my lower left neck. Between Ben Gay patches and Motrin you'd think I'd be feeling better.) I'm turning into a "jock" for the first time in my life. My opponents are formidable, but I can conquer them. O.K. - maybe with the exception of this silly machine. I've already got a keen rival.

After last night I might want to step up my workout. I need to be strong. Mentally and physically.

I've got a lot of phone calls to make today. I'm tired, anxious, and incredibly disappointed. I hate being disappointed. I've got no one to kvetch with about this.

I'd buy myself flowers if I wasn't broke. When I start to string along all the "I wishes" I get really depressed. I convince myself that nothing I want matters.

Maybe my life would be easier if I were a quitter. Maybe if I were just a little more realistic, less head-in-the-clouds.

This has got to stop.

Andrew has been doing a punk rock countdown on his blog, and I absolutely adore and agree with his choice today.

Much Later (it's actually Tuesday) ~

I'm too tired for any sort of proper post. Have added new linky-things to the side. Amazingly bad pics of candles and proof of how tired I am, etcetera.

Very much ready for long, deep sleep.

***********

Yet another roller-coaster ride weekend. (Insert train-wreck sarcasm here...)

I ended up getting a new cell phone. I've got my d.j.. I'm not going to be getting the laptop as soon as I had hoped. Saturday night the winds from Ivan hit here, and the transformer for our street blew up. It fried the big television, the home theater system, and the d.v.d. player. Evidently a bazillion-kajillion watts surged right on through the surge-"protector". I was out with some girlfriends when all this happened. The electrician is coming out at lunch to assess the damage.

Other exciting news ~ I'm now a member of the Y.M.C.A. down the street. They've got a couple of Pilates classes, great equipment/facilities, and a "fit dance" class that looks like a lot of fun.

I've got the court date (October 22nd) set for my ticket, and it looks like I can get a lawyer to handle it for me for $200 (which will cover court costs, fines, etc.) I suppose that isn't all that bad, all things considered.

I'm still incredibly busy, and personal things are stressing me out a bit. I try to stay centered, and focus on the positive, but I seem to end up shutting down emotionally, or going to the other extreme and crying at the drop of a hat. I'm a decent, patient, and loving person, and I just try to remind myself not to worry about the small stuff. The funny thing is a lot of the things that are needling me aren't small issues. I'm made of pretty strong stuff. I can deal with difficult circumstances with little more than my sense of humor and experience, but I'm tired. Very tired. The tough shell is barely concealing a vulnerable core.

To whom it may concern ~ Please be kind. Be gentle. I prefer happiness. I love to laugh, and I can't be anything but positive. I can't shake hope.

p.s. This makes me happy. There's also a nip in the air.

Happy times with lovely people at the ocean. 

nooooo....

Enjoy it while you can.

:'-( (link via Eric.)

In other news...

I am such an idiot.

the sunlight in your universe

play me

Good-morning.

Life has kept me really busy lately, which is always a good thing for someone that thinks too much.

It was time to give myself a break. Friday night we all went to the beach to see Charley's brother play at the Blues at the Beach Festival. It was a nice night, and it's a great spot to people-watch. Lots of poor fashion choices. There are some folks that shouldn't attempt skimpy outfits. The night ended on a sour note, which was unfortunate. I chose passive-resistance. Always maddening not to budge when prodded, and I'm the sort that enjoys driving you crazy, 'eh?

Saturday started off peacefully. Went to the Neptune Festival to hang out with our friends from the vineyard. Loads of fun, and more interesting people watching. This was a pretty, pretty crowd. I also got a little more proof to back up a theory I've been formulating.

Sunday was a beautiful day. I was in observation mode. I was inward, and thinking (again.) On a trip to Blockbuster a young man walked up to me and said, "I like your hair ... it really compliments your eyes." I didn't get it. My escort overheard the exchange and told me, "You don't understand compliments. You never have." I told him, "Well - I just didn't get that. My hair isn't green..." Escort rolls eyes and says, "Jeeeez, no - he meant your light hair around your face brings out your light eyes." I shrugged my shoulders.

Later I was driving (within the speed limit, mind you), and pulled up behind a couple at a red light. She was a petite girl with a short, blonde Mia Farrow/Rosemary's Baby haircut. He had neatly trimmed brown hair. Her body leaned over the stick-shift so she could be closer to him. She touched his hair, and turned her face to look at him. You could see her broad smile, but he kept looking forward, so I wasn't sure if he reflected her glow. She never sat back in her seat - she kept leaning into him, and touching him. She kissed his cheek, and leaned over to kiss the top of his shoulder. I imagined what she was saying to him: "It's so good to see you! Last night the girls and I went out for dinner, but all I really wanted to do was be with you. It was still fun, though..." I couldn't imagine what he was saying. I thought to myself, he is her inspiration for breath mints and nice knickers. He's her smile at unexpected times of the day, and the reason for her rapid heartbeat and swarms of butterflies. It was clear she adored him, even from my distant voyeuristic vantage point. He was more difficult to figure, but when the light turned green he leaned over and gently kissed her on the forehead before driving away.

I was thinking about attraction as they drove off, and how it seems like I've gotten an unusual amount of attention lately. I've been smiling a lot more because I've been thinking about all the things I've got to be thankful for. I've done my level best to hang on to the affirmative. There are times I wish I could bottle this inner-glow. It's the whole moth/flame thing. (Sidenote: There was a young guy that approached me recently and said, "I just had to come say hello to you. You are amazing." "Amazing??", I thought to myself. I just kept smiling. I'm sure I blushed. He told me I was attractive, but I knew it wasn't just what was on the outside. btw - It's true. Most of the time I don't get compliments. I just don't understand.) Things aren't perfect, but I'm so much more confident at this spot in my life. I still get afraid, but I don't let fear overcome me. I still hate confrontation, but I know I can handle anything. Really.

The simplest things make me smile, and feel gorgeous. What makes you feel attractive?

p.s. I'm looking for a good middle-of-the-road laptop (simple to use), a new cell phone (I've got $100 credit), and a top-notch d.j. willing to work for a good cause. Pay minimal-to-peanuts. Must be clever, and able to get people in a happy, upbeat, giving mood. Suggestions appreciated.

the days may be cloudy or sunny...

... i'm such a sap.

Later ~

Even though it's only slightly-past-two-p.m. I know that if I could go put on my pajamas, and crawl into bed, I would be the happiest princess in all of the land. I am so bleeping tired. Unfortunately I've still got hours of duties to fulfill.

I'm longing for my pillow and my blanket. I want to sleep. Why do I do the things I do?
~~~~~~~~

Does anyone know a decent lawyer in Gastonia, North Carolina?

Weary.

More news to follow.