Later ~

Dinner meeting was fantastic multiplied by a bazillion.

I am The Entertainment Chairperson.

I am "entertaining" the first social event at the New Resort. I get to set the tone. I already have a Committee. (Yay!)

This is good news. (Bonus points: The head-honcho said she hasn't seen enthusiasm like this in fifteen years!)

I am tired (tipsy) now, and I'm going to bed.
~~~~~


Hi there. I'm incredibly busy, and every time I cross a completed task off of the to-do list I feel just a little more emotionally satisfied. The list today is vanishing quickly.

Now for terribly exciting stuff. What to wear to the chi-chi-gala-planning-dinner-meeting tonight? This is close to the "look" I'll be putting on. I can get away without wearing stockings, which is good. I've got to present myself in a "tasteful, professional, yet slightly funky" sort of way. At least that's what I think I need to do. I'll be working with different people on this project, and I realize how important first impressions are.

Things I'm highly endorsing as of late:

1. Tide With A Touch of Downy.
2. Olay Vitamin Packs.
3. Bath and Body Works "I'm In The Mood for Scrub". I've never been softer. (Sidenote: The newly-updated stores are a little overwhelming. Lots of new collections. Love all the new candles, though.)
4. Miracle Intense perfume.
5. Minute Maid Light.
6. Total Gym.
7. Sleep.
8. Sobriety.

Take care. brb.

..."i say a prayer for better days..."

Bit of News:

I'm excited to be involved with the Hope Gala. I've got a dinner meeting next week at a restaurant within walking distance of the house. I'll get plugged into my "position" here. It's a fancy-schmancy black-tie thing (April 2005), and it will be the first big social event held at the Hilton Resort a mile away. I'd like to do the media relations/entertainment, but we'll see. (I'm thinking some sort of bossa nova theme - something swanky-60's-ish - Sinatra/Rat Pack - loungey. It would be cool to pick up on the whole "31 Ocean" motif.)

~ and...

Sheesh!!

same old song, different day

There are a few things that I'm really bad at.

One ~ Saying goodbye. I'm sure I could deconstruct this, and come up with some convincing reasons why I suck. One of the reasons is the long goodbye is familiar. Every time I speak with my Mother and/or Father on the telephone I allow for extra time it takes to say so-long. (Example: "Sooo - are you sure there's not any other news? Oh - wait - one more thing - did you look up that website I told you about? The one that shows the map of the blahdeblah 350 million-year-old shale formation that's under our land in Hico? Yes - let me tell you how the meeting went with the gas company - how much we're going to get for the mineral rights"... - and-on-and-on. It's better when it's my Dad. When it's my Mom it's usually something along the lines of "you are a terrible person - I'm going to die - and you'll be sorry.") My mysterious Brother is the same way. So are my extended family, my Godparents, and many of my friends. I'm getting better. How? I just avoid getting myself into a situation where I'll have to say goodbye. This, my friends, isn't going to work out well for me in the long run.

Two ~ Timing and Luck. I know that I'm bad at these things, as knotty as they may be. The first time I ever stepped into a Casino I could feel the money bleeding from me before I hit the poker machine. I lost $20 in less than five minutes, and hated it. I moved on the slots, and promptly lost another $20. I am a cooler. I am also a cheap date, and I knew this wasn't my sort of entertainment, so I gave it up quickly. There are a few times in my life where my timing has been good, and those are the times when I haven't analyzed something to death. Some people know how to relax. How to let life happen to them, and flow whichever way it's destined to flow. Me? Impossible. If I plan a barbecue, there will be a hurricane. I know I know - these aren't tangible things. These aren't things I can - erm - control... Precisely the reason I view this as a problem.

Three ~ Drinking. I've had a pattern now for the past couple of weeks. Drink too much, sober, drink too much, sober, etc. There are "types" of drinkers. The angry drinker. The stupid drunk. The annoying jerk. I'm already naturally sensitive, so when you get a couple of glasses of wine in me I become way too emotional. Thursday night while cooking dinner and sipping wine I was listening to music, and bemoaning the fact that I was alone. I sat and ate my fish and green beans solo, tears streaming down my face. D. eventually came inside, and the next thing I know I'm sobbing. Shoulder-shaking sobs. I had to get a paper towel to catch my tears. "I (sob) want (sob) to (sob) move (sob) back (sob) to (sob) Texas..." (I can also be v. Insensitive for such a sensitive person.) Flash forward two nights later. We're sitting out on the deck, listening to Lyle Lovett, and I've had too much to drink (apres hurricane barbecue.) Me. Sobbing. Again. We formulate a one-year-plan. Home. I've been sober since, and I'm not in any hurry to go through the emotional wringer again.

Four ~ Geniune Confidence. I know there are things that I am very good at. The sorts of things that matter the most in the long run, and these are the things that I'll rarely pipe up about, or give myself credit for. My confidence comes and goes. I can go from exceptionally hubristic ("I am so hot."), to self-deprecating in the blink of an eye ("Why would anyone in their right mind care for me?") The main problem I have stems from the fact (again) I tend to overanalyze everything. I think too damn much. My rational mind understands that I don't need validation from outside sources - that if I love myself that's the most important thing in the world. It's crazy to think that I am a simple woman with simple needs, and still want to be loved on various different levels all at the same time. Pay attention to me, but give me space.

I am human, and I know a lot of other people out there struggle with the same sorts of issues. When you can find someone that will love you because you are human, you are lucky. It might not be easy, but I think that kind of love is worth it. (You drive me crazy, but I wouldn't have you any other way...) Someone that doesn't give up on you.

Later ~

If I ever watch music videos, it's almost always VH1 Classics. I flipped to VH1 Hits and I caught this video. Could someone please tell me why I cried? Am I completely wigging?

********************************

It's true. You may be helping someone, and you might not even realize it.

We're having a large party this weekend. A barbecue, which, honestly, is looking a little dicey due to the weather forecast, but we're having it - rain or shine. We've invited everyone from work, my friends here, and we've invited everyone in our neighborhood. I received a call from one of the ladies that lives here.

(A little background on this neighborhood. It's well established. Many of our neighbors are elderly - we've got several widows that are close to 90 years old. Very active, but older.)

One of the couples that live on the street that feeds into our cul-de-sac are in their 80's. I've met them both, but it's been a while since I've spoken to them. I do remember being impressed with how much she adored her husband. He was not in very good health, but still had a twinkle in his eye. When he came into the room to say hello, her face beamed when she looked at him. She was just like a schoolgirl. Amazing.

She phoned me up to thank me for inviting them, but said she was afraid she couldn't make it. She told me her husband had a stroke in April, and she thought she'd better not come. She went on to tell me that she'd told this to her next-door-neighbor ~ one of the widows. She said, "Janet said I should just come by to say hello, even if I could only stay for a minute. It would be nice to see the neighbors..."

I told her how much we would love it if she could stop by - that I was sure everyone would love to say hello. She thanked me, and said she might just do that, but if she wasn't able to, she wanted us to understand.

I thought to myself after I hung up: This lady adores her husband. She is devoted to caring for him, but it would be nice if she knew the neighbors were there for her. I had no idea. It's so easy to get caught up in our daily lives, and not see needs right in front of your eyes.

Now I've got something to do in the midst of the chaos of the party Saturday. An excuse to get away for a few minutes - to take her and her husband some food, and a smile, if she doesn't stop by.

I'm thankful for these sorts of opportunities, and I hope I can keep my heart always open to them.

*P.S. I just heard from one of my best friends back in Dallas (yes, the one that refers to this blog as my column). She works for the Komen Foundation, and she let me know that Pier 1 is currently selling candles to help raise money for them. 25% of the sales go directly to the Foundation, and they received $200,000 last year. Go buy a candle or two before they're all gone.

A-hem...

Yeah. Riiight.

In other news,

Still managing to cheat death, and still not learning how to turn down a free glass of wine. (Urgh.) Chatted with some new neighbors, who happened to be sitting out on their back deck, drinking martini's and wine.

Highlight of the night:

We'd been talking about their twelve-year-old son, who has been taking dance lessons since he was seven.

Mister neighbor turns to me and asks, "Are you a dancer? You've got a dancers' body."

Awwyeah.

Me (blushing, batting eyelashes, crossing legs): "No, actually - no. I did take Modern Dance in college, but that was - er - a while ago."

Mister neighbor says, "Wow - what do you do to look so good??" (the following is what my ego was imagining him thinking...)

"I mean, seriously, how much more HOT could you be? You are smoking. I can't get any closer than I am because you would set my pants on fire. I'll bet you melt the paint off of the walls - you probably can't eat ice cream because you are SOO HOTTT..."

I snapped back to reality quickly enough. (D. was laughing.)

I explained life keeps me active, plus I do like to exercise every day.

There was also the added bonus that he had me pegged for being several years younger than I am.

Superficial? Sure, but I am the world's biggest sucker for a compliment.

I think I'm forcing this whole "make-the-world-a-better-place" thing a little too much. What should come naturally is harder than I thought. I'm excellent when I'm in my own little world, but when it comes to venturing outside of that I'm just shy of poor. (Blame it on my bashful side. Yes. I said bashful.)

It doesn't help matters when you feel like the universe is hurtling roadblocks at you. I mean this in a literal sense.

Yesterday I was driving down the interstate, listening to Sinatra, lost in thought, when I had one of those life-passing-before-your-eyes experiences. I was behind a blue minivan that had a long white table tied to the top, table legs sticking up in the air. I was close to my exit (Independence) when I watched one of the ropes whipslash up and off, and - whack! - fly across the top of my sport ute. (Cue slow-mo.) "Hrmm", I think to myself. "That can't be good." I watched as the table lifted off of the top of the van, and gracefully flipped through the air towards my windshield. I realized I couldn't maneuver into the left lane, out of the way, because there was another car there.

That's when it happened. The stuff you've seen in the movies. Faces - events - life - pass before me in a split second. The table barely missed me while I watched the blue van pull over onto the shoulder. The blood was pounding in my ears, and I started to laugh. (I could've cried, but laughter was my gut reaction.) As I exited I thought ~ "I was nearly an opening sequence of an episode of Six Feet Under..."

My last moment on Earth. Listening to Come Rain or Come Shine. Wearing shorts, pink t-shirt, black moccasins, and (thank-goodness), good skivvies. It was a beautiful, cool, sunny day. I thought - "this is the way shit happens. Bam! Any moment could be your last one. Better make the most of life - always."

I'm dogged by this thought for the rest of the day and night. I was pretty beat - lack of consistent, quality sleep has left me wonky. My back aches because I painted the hall bath (it looks great, but - man - what a pain), and wicked cramps. I finally got a decent bit of sleep last night, but the thoughts of mortality are still there. Thoughts of regret (small example: I missed a going away party for friends moving from Dallas to Atlanta.) Hopeful thoughts, like being able to make the most of my life, and finally being able to let go of the pain.

I'm not giving up on doing good. I'm keeping everything in a journal, but I'm not sure what I'll post (yet) on this silly blog. It's just not gelling the way I'd imagined, which - honestly - is exactly what I should have expected. Pretty much sums up my life, 'eh?

In other news, I'm picking Green Bay to win it all this year, and here's even more fun with food for you. Enjoy.

making the world a better place, one day at a time

I was sulking last night, clad in my blue cotton pajamas, munching on some curry shrimp, sipping a little Cabernet Franc, and watching television. There was a story about a forty-year-old mother. She had adopted thirty handicapped boys, and she was happy, cheerful, and smiling. There was obviously love and joy inside that woman that came from a place I wish I could get back to.

I've been a spoiled brat. I wanted to take myself out back and kick my own skinny ass. Later, while lying in bed, I started to think. (Sidenote: I talk to myself while I'm thinking. Not out loud, mind you, but I'll give myself little pep talks, like "Now, let's not start down that slippery-slope of mulling over things you can not change. Tonight let's think positively. O.K. - positively, but still within the realm of possibility. You need something to get yourself out of your own mind - your own (perceived) problems. Something that will do someone else a bit of good.") So I talked myself into the following:

I'm giving myself a month. Every day in that month I will do at least one thing that will leave the world a little bit better off than it was when the day began. I have no clue what that thing will be, or how I will do it, or where/when it will occur. I'm just going to get it done, no matter what. No excuses, mister. I figure if I start with a month, it could become a habit that will naturally happen day-after-day-after-day. To keep my ass in gear I will journal it. Some days I'll post what happened here, others I'll keep it to myself. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my p.j.'s, but it's something that I feel strongly about.

Oddly enough, I ended up having pleasant dreams last night.

buoyant

When I start trying to play connect-the-dots with circumstances in my life and aspects of my personality I know I've been thinking too much (again.) I try to keep it simple, and try to find that slippery point of balance, but there's always something pulling the rug out from 'neath my feet.

A horrible dream that reminds me I'm not worth any sort of effort. I wake up and shake it off. "You're fabulous. You don't need anyone else to tell you that, silly lady." Then there's the hard, cold facts. I'm stubborn, sometimes to the point of hair-pulling frustration. I want to be lighthearted, and easy-to-get-along with. I want to go-with-the-flow. What the fuck is wrong with me?

(Stubborn, not amused me. I know I've shot this look at least two or three times. Not too pretty. Grrrr.)

This thought process prods my inner-megalomaniac.

"Why, I AM fabulous. I am the perfect woman, in my opinion. I am nurturing, thoughtful, and kind. I am loyal, dutiful (for the most part), and witty. I am an excellent listener. I take care of my appearance, right down to my knickers. I am a great cook, I love sports, and I'm intelligent. I can also be - erm - fairly passionate. We'll leave it at that. (Sidenote: I will never discuss intimate personal details. I might discuss a certain "friends" intimate personal details, but - well - never mind.)

Then - whack! - the doubts worm their way back in my head. "Well, if you're so fabulous then why aren't things a little more perfect? Why do you worry so? Why do you feel the need to shore up your ego with assinine listings of your so-called strong points? Why can't you have it all, damn it!" Blah blah blahdeefuckingblah.

Miraculously I realize this is all such a waste of time.

Happy, lighthearted, buoyant me.

Life is too short to be so self-aware. It's tiring, and dull, and I'd rather laugh. Make me laugh, and I'm your pal forever. I'll probably never change, but I can accept that, and move along. Love me in spite of my shortcomings.

On that note, I'm done for a bit. Tired of sounding like a broken record. If something wildly inspirational happens, I'll share.

In the meantime, here's more hot food porn

And, please, don't forget to make me laugh..

Later~

An old Red Wing Lovin' pal had an excellent and timely post about blogging that made me think "A-ha!" It's a challenge for bloggers, and I'm always up for a challenge. (Yes. My content has sucked at times. I mean, really. "I like smooth peanut butter as opposed to crunchy"? Sure, I was just trying to make a point, but - seriously. tsk tsk tsk. (You rock, Griff.)

~~~~

I don't know why I feel compelled to report the fact that there's little of interest to say here, other than my real life is keeping me blissfully busy. I could apologize for being a blog-slacker, but I know you understand.

In the meantime, I'm sick of all the gloom. It's been raining here every day for what seems like two months, and I need sun. The upside of this is the fact that I've gotten lots of projects completed that I've been meaning to do for a long time, like organizing my desk at home (cleaning out old papers, culling phone numbers for a new phone list, etc.), hunting down dust bunnies (my least favorite chore of all), honing my baking skills, organizing an upcoming event, and watching every movie I've been meaning to see. (Sidenote: "21 Grams" was as intense as I thought it would be. Ditto "In America". Both are very good.)

I'm beginning to wonder if I should pull the plug on this blog. Maybe re-invent it. I don't know. It doesn't really matter. Like I've said, this blog has blessed little to do with "me". C'mon, what do you really know about me? Did you know I don't wear a watch? That I prefer smooth peanut butter over crunchy? Did you know that I haven't been sleeping well lately, and the reasons for that? Did you know that sometimes I have a hard time completing a sentence when I speak because my thoughts are faster than my mouth? Did you know that the thought of home puts tears in my eyes? Did you know that in spite of the fact that I love Sinatra, Costello, etcetera, I do enjoy metal moments?

In the grand scheme, it doesn't matter.